I am so excited to have started SMILES (Bible study for mom's) this week. I know SMILES started three weeks ago but we were gone and then I had my kidney surgery so I missed the first three weeks. But man I am I glad to have gone today. I was feeling under the weather with a cold, but decided to go anyway since I had missed to much already. Truly God was at work this morning. We all got dressed and ready on time, everyone was happy and not complaining on the way to church and checked in on time.
I felt blessed to be able to sit at a table I am at. It is a good mixture of ladies I know, ladies I don't know, and ladies that I recognize but have never spoken to. There is comfort in all of those! I am glad my good friend Cassie was there with me though, she always makes things easier.
I was surprised this morning by how emotional I was. I know this sounds like a funny statement because generally I am an emotional person. Now I was there to be clarification here, I am not just emotional in a "crying" way. I love to laugh, smile, love, cry, and get angry. Anyway back to my story. This morning the woman leading the study... I can't even remember her name now... that's bad huh?... anyway, she was talking about how God has been healing her through a loss in her life. Her loss was a pregnancy at 16 weeks. This hit me like a ton of bricks!
Before I was blessed with my wonderful children, I had three miscarriages. All second trimester and all very difficult for me. Because of life at the time, I don't know if I have ever dealt with my true emotions about my losses. Because I was not in a place in my life that was God seeking, I think I was not able to allow Him to heal me as I tried to let time heal me.
This morning shed a light on to my path. Although it has been years, and I have three wonderful boys, I am still mourning the loss of three other babies. Over the years I have been close to other women who have suffered the loss of their babies and it has always brought up the hardest feelings for me to deal with. And I now realize that because I had not allowed God to heal me, I was not able to be a true friend to those when they needed me. How could I give words to encourage God's healing when I have not allowed God to heal me? This morning I resolved to allow God to heal my wounds... no matter how old they are.
I still grieve....
2 comments:
I understand your pain. It is not an easy thing to get over. I had so many questions that I left unanswered after I miscarried before my pregnancy with Caleb.
Just reading your blog reminded me of the tears, and the mourning I had over that little child. I haven't thought about it for awhile, probably because everyday I am so amazed that the Lord would give two such precious little children of His, to us to raise and take care of. If I had not lost my first pregnancy, I would not have Caleb where he is today. He is tied for third of love in my heart. My Savior, My Husband, and My Precious Caleb and Katherine. What overwhelming blessings!!!
Thank you for your prayers on Caitlyn's surgery.
I've missed alot on your blog. Been really busy with tending to caitlyn.
I'm sorry you've been feeling icky.
It's hard to snap out of it sometimes.
Sorry to read about the pain of your losses. Didn't realize you lost two other babies.
It's a tough situation, i'm sure.
Prayers for you while you confront those feelings.
HUGS!
oh yeah, and don't be so shy to say hi at church. i don't bite!;0)
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